On Breaking Up

Okay, super personal story time because I need to get this all out, and that’s part of the point of me doing this blogging thing.  It’s like a diary that I can’t lose because it’s the internet, and my laptop is something I won’t lose.  Too expensive.  Internet does mean words have to be chosen more carefully though.

Names will be changed in this so that I don’t get sued or something.

So, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Yeah no. Two years ago, when I was a little baby college freshman, I met a boy.  We’ll call him Alex.  We were in the study room of our dorm building at the same time, and he was a TOTAL flirt, and I can never resist a good flirting session… anyway.  We hit it off quite well.  He had a girlfriend at another school, I had been single for three years and very much liked this boy, but I respected that he had a girlfriend and let our relationship be friendly.  I was kind of bummed, but it wasn’t my place to think that I was any better, to tell him he should break up with her for me, and I dislike people who do that because it’s super shady and not okay.  So anyway.  Then I realized that his girlfriend was incredibly controlling, jealous, and among other things, clinically depressed and suicidal but wouldn’t get professional help because he was “the only person she trusts besides her brother, and her brother is an adult with an adult job and life, so she feels bad bothering him.”  So the girl would call this kid at 3am sobbing and suicidal and he would have to talk her down.  Mind you, he had his own life, he had classes in the mornings, and he wasn’t sleeping well because this happened, but this was a perfect arrangement for her.  I guess.  Eventually his one roommate and I had the nerve to look at him one day and tell him how completely not okay this was, and that he really couldn’t continue this way.  He was constantly stressed, she was constantly yelling at him for something or another, and then she’d wake him up at 3am so he could talk her down from her suicidal episodes. There was no way of looking at this and thinking it was healthy for either of them.  Eventually our chats with him got through, because I got a text from him one day that said “Erin and I broke up”.  Secretly I was happy, but I went to his room as a friend, for comforting purposes (I promise!).  I even told him, in so many words, that I was glad that he had broken up with her, and that I thought he’d done the right thing, and not just for selfish purposes.

Anyway, so maybe 3 weeks later, we kind of decided to call ourselves official (although I spent enough time with him that one could argue that we were unofficially pseudo-official before the breakup, but whatever.  Nothing happened between us, so it’s not like there was cheating involved.  We were friends.  Not even with any benefits involved.).  Things were going great, we’d been dating for like nearly two years, and then this Sunday happened.  Okay, more backstory, because it isn’t really clear without the backstory.  So, for the past few months, Alex and I have been kind of more on edge with each other, meaner to each other, more resentful of each other, and there was a retaliation loop going on there as well.  I don’t know or care who started this loop, but one of us would do something that made the other angry, the other person would retaliate, and it was an endless cycle.  I am not innocent in this; I was immature just as much as he was in that respect.  But he was also pretty manipulative.  I’m not sure how to really explain this, but he would play the victim and then project the victim act upon me, so he’d say was the one playing the victim.  He’d guilt-trip me into buying him food or whatever because “he pays for most of my food,” which is only partially true.  Yes, he bought a lot of my food, but with his parents’ money.  I was buying with MY money.  My parents give me money for food, and I use that for buying food on campus, but when we would eat on campus together he would usually buy because he has a meal plan, and I don’t anymore.  So when I was buying food, I was off-campus, and using money I earned from my real-life job.  So he’d guilt-trip me into buying things, he expected birthday presents and not once for the two birthdays that I had with him did he get me a present (I’m not materialistic at all, but like, I’m a believer in reciprocation.  If you expect birthday presents or Christmas presents, so do I.), he was kind of just… I wasn’t happy.  I had started to dread weekends (which I would spend at his place) because I knew there would be an argument at least once every day.  Sometimes it was a small argument, other times it was an argument which ended in me packing up and leaving and spending the rest of the weekend at my own place.  This past Sunday was one such argument, but it was also the last straw for me.  We had just gotten back from dinner with his parents, and he had the nerve to look at me and say, completely seriously, “Clean my room.”  No please, no “Will you clean my room for me?” Nothing.  Did I react childishly? Yes. Was it justified? I believe so. I took all of the things that were his (I got a little corner of his room.  To be fair, it’s his room, but my backpack and all of my clothes were piled in one small area.  His were everywhere.) and piled them outside his door.  (I should clarify, the layout of this dorm is that there are two separate bedrooms with a connecting hallway to a shared closet space and a shared bathroom.  So his things were in the hallway shared between him and his roommate, not the big hallway shared with the entire floor.)  I then told him, “Your room is clean.” To which he responded by LITERALLY throwing all of my things (backpack with computer inside. He’s lucky it’s okay.) out into the same hallway space.  So when he was done I packed up all of my things into my backpack and work bag and told him that was it.  We’re done here.  “Have a nice life.”  I finally got all of the things I had stored there back on Thursday, courtesy of his roommate (who is awesome. And has been texting me stories of Alex being manipulative to him now that he doesn’t have me to manipulate. Poor roommate).

There was going to be a moral to this story… I kind of forget what it was.  I guess it’s sort of that I know I have a lot of growing up to do yet. For the love of pasta I’m 21 years old.  I still enjoy acting like I’m 4.  I still enjoy naps and eating Goldfish for dinner and playing video games instead of doing my homework and I’m bad at keeping my room clean and keeping myself organized and making myself go to class sometimes.  I’m still figuring out who I am.  But I know one thing: I’m not one to be manipulated.  I think that might be why he was always pissed at me, because he couldn’t always get me to do what he wanted.  He called it immaturity, I call it being my own person and not bending to the will of others without a damn good reason.  Maybe the moral of this story is that if you start getting a shady vibe from someone you’re dating, drop them right then.  It’s hard.  I tried to do it and couldn’t, months ago.  He convinced me that we could work it out.  That never happened and it just got worse.  I don’t really know what the moral of the story is, but those two thoughts are decent ones that came out of this whole mess.  All I know is that I’m pretty glad it’s over, although it’s still kind of difficult to say that when I’m feeling lonely.

Maybe the moral of the story later will be that sometimes you can grow with a person and find out who you are through them, and other times that person is just holding you back from the person that you want to be/ were meant to be.  And relationships are all about finding the person who will allow you to grow and become the best version of you, and will grow and mature with you.

Whoa.  That just got deep.